The Real Thing
by Circeus
Summary: [[[Complete]]] [post Adventure 02] [Drabble series] There's a lot of weird things us humans do to keep any normal Digimon confused.
1. Whipped Cream

Agumon and Taichi simultaneously rubbed their chin. The digimon wasn't quite sure how it had become part of their morning ritual, but lo and behold, here it was. Then the both of them took turns in the bathroom. Agumon was used to Taichi taking much longer than him. Longer than he used to, even. Which was weird. It seemed to be more complicated an operation back when they were in the Digital World, but his partner now spent a good quarter of an hour in the bathroom every mornings. This morning, he'd understand. He rapped at the door lightly with his claws.

"Taichi?" he asked.

"Yeah, Agumon, what'd d'you want?" his partner muttered back.

Agumon almost scowled. He was only worried, there was no reason for Taichi to talk with that tone. There was a slight splash of water inside.

"What are you doing? You seem to spend more time in there than you used to," the digimon stated.

There was a moment of silence, then the door opened. Agumon gasped.

When Taichi opened the door, he saw his partner's mouth hanging open. Then the digimon's face turned into one of a very few select scowls he had ever adressed him.

"You've been having whipped cream all this time and you didn't even _share_!" Agumon exclaimed.

Out of surprise, Taichi droppedhis razor.

**Next time:** Let's see how Jyou and Gomamon deal with mouth care.


	2. Mouthwash

The green liquid gurgled in Jyou's throat. When the small, white-furred seal that was his partner jumped next to the sink and greeted him loudly, the teen gasped. Unfortunately, that is never a good idea when one's mouth is full of mouthwash.

Gomamon observed as a geyser of green-tinted liquid spewed forth and splashed against the mirror, sending drops everywhere.

"Nice shot!" he said, holding up a piece of cardboard with "9.3" written on it.

He shook his head, adding to the liquid flying everywhere as Jyou continued to cough, holding his troath wit both hands. The human eventually turned to his partner.

"Gomamon!" he exclamed. "What did I told you about scaring me when I'm eating?"

The digimon raised an eyebrow at the young man.

"That's gotta be the weirdest way to eat I've ever seen."

Jyou palmed his forehead in desperation.

"Well, I wasn't really _drinking_ it, but that's close enough," he protested.

Gomamon took the bottle of green liquid in his flipper, brought it to his nose and took a whiff. The child-level immediately recoiled with a disgusted look on his face.

"Yuck! No surprise you don't drink it! Are you even sure that's not toxic or something?" he asked, pulling his tongue out.

Jyou stopped trying to wipe up the liquid from the mirror and eyed the bottle warily.

"You know, I never really considered it like _that_..."

**Next time:** Palmon has a few issues with Mimi's gardening techniques.


	3. Pruning

Mimi's recent taking up of gardening had surprised Palmon. That with the dirt and sweat and sun and all. But Palmon herself did appreciate dirt and sweat and sun and all that jazz, so she didn't dwell too much on it.

"Say, Mimi," she asked, holding up the bag of fertilizer the girl had been scooping from. "What is that?"

"That's fertilizer."

"And what is it for?" Palmon continued.

Mimi paused a second. She wasn't exactly one for explaining things. That was Koushirou's shtick, not hers.

"It's... food for plants, I guess," she eventually answered. "It helps them grow strong and make prettier flowers."

"Oh? You think it'd be good for me too?"

Mimi hesitated.

"I... don't know. I _does_ have all sorts of warnings about toxicity and whatnot."

Palmon looked at the skull-and-bones symbol on the side of the bag with a pouty lip. She still took some and peppered her own reserved patch with it while her partner wasn't looking. Mimi grabbed a pair of pruning shears and turned toward the small rosebush taking most of the balcony's corner. Just as she was about to began her work, Palmon shrieked and grabbed the large scissors out of her hands.

"What are you doing!" the digimon yelled at her.

"I'm pruning it!" Mimi protested, trying to recover the gardening tool, which Palmon proceeded to throw over the railing.

"What has this to do with prunes? It's inhuman!" Palmon retorted.

"Well... it's not exactly the most human thing either!" Mimi argued back, pointing at the plant. "I'm just taking away the branches that don't do anything!"

"Yeah? What would you say if I started to prune away your hair and nails? It's not like they do anything _useful_!"

Mimi was struck speechless. It was a low blow and Palmon knew it, but it _did_ won her the argument.

**Next time:** Sora and Piyomon discuss sports.


	4. Couch coach

Piyomon had been flying around out of boredom. She'd visited Gabumon and Agumon, both of which had proven to be just as bored on this exam day. Coming back to the apartment, she found her partner back early from her own exams, sitting on the couch.

Okay, maybe _sitting_ wasn't the most appropriate word for what she was doing. Piyomon observed from the balcony, wondering what the hell was going on. Then she remembered something Palmon had once mentioned Mimi doing in front of the television. "Working out." Considering her partner's agitation, that did look kind of like exercising. She decided to join in.

She wasn't quite sure how to do this, as the instructions from the television didn't seem to be very helpful and there was definitely not enough space in the living room to do the same things as the people on screen. So she went with Sora. When the girl shouted, the digimon shouted. When she jumped, punched, kicked, flailed her arms, Piyomon did so. This was a lot more demanding than Piyomon had expected. She tapped her partner's arm. Sora jumped again, obviously not having even noticed her presence.

"I can't keep up with that 'work out' thing. I need rest," the bird digimon said.

Sora stared right back at her.

"What are you talking about? I'm watching the Football World Cup!"

(**Football **is used here in its non-American definition.)

**Next:** Veemon and Daisuke quibble over vocabulary.


	5. Vocabulary

Daisuke couldn't bear it anymore. He grabbed his partner by the arm and dragged him off to the bathroom. Once there, he sat him up on the counter.

"Now," the teen began with a slightly accusing tone. "It's time you stop just melting into a poodle of goo each time she gets near you. You're going to ask Tailmon out. Tonight!"

He accented his last words with a dramatic pointing at the digimon.

"But she won't want to leave the party!" V-mon immediately protested.

Daisuke's arms dropped.

"'Ask her out' as in 'date'," he deadpanned.

"You mean these things that get stuck between your teeth?" V-mon asked.

Daisuke rolled his eyes. He was not supposed to have to explain these things!

"Going out together. Walking on the beach," he proposed for examples. "Going to the aqua park. Whatever floats your boat!"

Now V-mon was really confused.

"But, Daisuke, I don't have a boat!"

Daisuke palmed his forehead.

"Oy!"

"Daisuke? Are you done in there?" a voice came in.

That was Sora from outside the bathroom.

"Gimme a minute!" he yelled back.

A few minutes and lots of explanations later, the two got out of the bathroom, V-mon looking rather uncertain. He still walked across the living room to where Tailmon was snatching from the chips. As soon as he got within two feet of her, he began to have doubts. She looked at him, obviously expecting something. He began to fiddle with his foot.

"Well... Uh... Tailmon..." he mumbled.

"Yes?" she acknowledged him.

"How... would you like a... a date with me?" he finally managed.

"Oh... That's really sweet, V-mon..." she began. "But I can't stand the taste of the things."

V-mon palmed his forehead so hard the sound carried across the room and caught Daisuke's attention.

"Oy!" the dragon digimon said.

**Next:** Tailmon learns about gestures.


	6. Evil eye

The bike suddenly swerved. Hikari gave a yelp of surprise. Tailmon's paws grasped tightly at the basket's edge. The girl turned around and yelled at the driver who had just honked at them. Tailmon knew her partner to be a very cautious driver and was surprised when she lifted a hand from the handlebar. Hikari turned back and harrumphed loudly.

"You got something in your eye?" the Digimon asked.

"Uh? No not at all, why?" the girl answered.

"Well, you were pulling at your eyelid. I thought something had gotten caught in there."

"Oh! No. It's just a..." Hikari blushed. "It's a rather... ah... rude gesture. Mom would probably slap me if she saw me do that."

"Yeah, I'd guess, it's pretty rude to be show-off like that," Tailmon commented.

Hikari was completely confused by that.

"Whaaa...?"

"Well, showing off your eye like that looks pretty rude to me!"

Hikari shook her head, unsure whether to be annoyed at the misunderstanding or happy about the compliment.

"No, you don't get it!"

"Why should I? It doesn't make sense! Like how you humans never hold hands to avoid losing each other in the crowd! And then you get angry because you lost each other! You have no practical sense!" Tailmon ranted.

Hikari had to agree to that. It would make shopping much easier if she could keep Daisuke and Takeru from running away on their own as soon as the trio approached the women's clothes section. But she didn't want people commenting. That was the last thing she wanted.

**Next:** Hawkmon learns about women's secret weapon.

**Notes:** Pulling one's eyelid down while sticking your tongue out is a pretty rude and childish gesture in Japanese culture. Also, holding hands is the farthest public displays of affection normally proceed, and would be a strong indication that the involved people are a couple.


	7. Makeup

Miyako was busy. It was delicate operation, requiring a safe hand and careful examination. No default would be allowed. It had to be absolutely perfect for her love. Even though she was not as used to this as she wished she'd be, she was still confident in her success. That is, until the door slammed open, allowing in a small (or large, depending on your definition) white and brown bird. The newcomer whirled around and slammed the door shut behind himself.

Miyako goggled at Hawkmon. The digimon noticed her presence and goggled back.

"What is..." they both begun before raising their hands to their temples and rubbing in circle and in unison.

"You first," Miyako said.

"Did you get hurt or something? That would not be good for your date," Hawkmon said.

Miyako blinked and turned back toward her mirror. Then she yelled in frustration. She had a large crimson smear across her cheek from the surprise jump Hawkmon had caused.

"Oh... Is it that bad? I can get you the first-aid kit if you want..."

Miyako sighed loudly.

"It's just makeup," she grumbled as she tried to wipe it off with a towelette.

"You mean, like that thing your brother puts on that makes him look like Ronald MacDonald?"

Miyako was frozen for a second by the sheer bizarreness of the comparison, then chuckled.

"No, not _that_ kind of makeup. It's _real_ women's makeup," she emphasized.

Hawkmon cocked his head slightly.

"And what is it for?"

"It's to make ourselves more beautiful. Mimi says makeup is a woman's best weapon, right after her eyes," Miyako commented.

"Doesn't look very dangerous to me," Hawkmon said.

A flying bottle of nail polish smacked him in the forehead. The bird staggered.

"Okay, I take that back."

**Next:** Yamato explains about strange stuff happening to clothes.


	8. Clothes care

Note: Gabumon and Yamato were patiently waiting for the drying cycle to finish. Gabumon was growing restless by the minute and Yamato tried to calm him down.

"Stop shuffling like that and count yourself lucky. If we'd hung it to dry, it'd have taken _hours_," he said, scratching his partner in the small of the back.

"I guess you've got a point..." Gabumon conceded.

He frowned before adding: "Why can't all clothes go through the dryer? It would be much faster, wouldn't it?"

"Well... It's that some types of natural fabrics tend to shrink if they are dried too fast," the boy explained.

It didn't take him long to realize that wasn't the brightest answer as Gabumon became even more restless. He wanted to kick himself, but was interrupted by the small chime indicating the end of the cycle. Gabumon jumped to the appliance and practically climbed in it to recover his fur pelt, which he threw on. Then the yelling began.

"It's shrunk! It's shrunk!" the digimon yelled.

"Gabumon..." Yamato began.

But the digimon was too busy flailing his arms around and panicking to listen. Yamato began to rub the bridge of his nose.

"It won't cover my head! And the arms are way too short! Oh Yamato, what am I going to _do_?"

His partner grabbed him by the shoulder and looked him in his teary eyes.

"How about you start by putting it right side up?" the boy proposed.

**Next:** Ken and Wormmon realize it's not necessarily as easy as it sounds to properly feed a digimon.


	9. Fussiness

Wormmon scuttled into the kitchen when he heard the door slamming. Ken was busy disposing food on the table. The digimon drooled at the amount.

"Oh... Are we having someone over?" he asked.

"We were supposed to," Ken sighed, "but Yamato and Gabumon's plane was held off in Nagoya, so he can't be there tonight."

Wormmon drooled a bit more.

"Which means we'll have to figure out who cane comes over," Ken completed.

Wormmon gave the various boxes a disappointed look.

"Well, we can proceed by elimination," he finally said.

"What do you mean?"

"Miyako and Hawkmon, as well as Sora and Piyomon are out, to begin with."

Ken gave him a puzzled look. Wormmon pointed at a box.

"Chicken feet," he explained.

Ken rolled his eyes.

"Koushiro's out too," the teen commented, "he doesn't go for Chinese. And without seafood, we can scratch Hikari and Tailmon... And Gomamon and Jyou."

"Actually, Gomamon doesn't do seafood," Wormmon interrupted.

Ken blinked, then his mouth rounded into a "ooohh!" of understanding.

"The Marching Fishes, right?"

"Yup, but that doesn't change anything. They're out with Palmon and Mimi tonight," Wormmon confirmed with a movement that could be assimilated to shrugging.

He looked into another box.

"Scratch out Takeru and Patamon too. Too much dumplings," he stated.

"But Takeru loves dumplings!" Ken protested.

"It's not Takeru, it's Patamon. Yamato threatens to make dumplings out of him when he doesn't behave," Wormmon chuckled.

"Iori and Armadimon are at his uncle's for a family gathering, and Taichi is out of town with his soccer team," Ken completed.

He sighed again and grabbed his coat.

"Would you be so kind as to call Daisuke to invite him? I'll be right back."

Wormmon started toward the phone, but turned around.

"Where are you going?"

"Well, if Daisuke and Veemon are coming over, we're going to need more food..."

**Next:** Armadimon discovers the true meaning of "spicy."


	10. Spice

Armadimon slavered before the incredible array of sushi on the table. Michiko-san had been busy the entire evening with either the preparation or making sure the hungry digimon wasn't getting his "dirty" paws on the food. The woman positively glowed at having her brother-in-law over for dinner and Iori's partner almost wondered whether there was something amiss with it.

Finally, eating time came. Although "shovelling" would have been a more accurate description of Armadimon's usual eating technique, Michiko had quite strongly insisted on his use of the chopsticks, which left Armadimon grumpy. These things were nothing but a hindrance to him, but he complied, because he wanted in on that rice and seaweed eldorado.

Everybody was now quite busy eating and complimenting Michiko, except Armadimon, who was too busy making sure none of the egg-filled rolls escaped his chopsticks. He alternated his chomping with sips from his teacup, fighting the urge to just upturn and pour the entire thing in his muzzle.

He noticed Ichiro always dipped his sushis in a pale green paste in addition to the soy sauce everybody else enjoyed. He leaned toward Iori.

"Hey, Iori, what's that thing your uncle puts on his sushis?" he whispered.

"That's wasabi. It's a spicy flavouring," Iori explained.

"Really? I love spicy! I want in!" Armadimon said excitedly.

He swiped his next sushi in the small bowl, collecting over half the content and dropped the roll in his mouth.

"Watch out! Wasabi is.." Iori warned.

But it was too late. The digimon had already gobbled down the sushi and was licking his lips contentedly, eyes closed.

"Very strong," the boy finished.

Armadimon's eyes shot open.

"Argh!" he yelled. "Fire! My throat is on fire!"

He dropped his teacup into his mouth and swallowed content and container, earning no effect but a shocked and angry gasp from Michiko and a snicker from Iori's uncle. Chikara just looked on in interest as the digimon latched onto the teapot and poured the entire content into his mouth, much to Michiko's dismay. The digimon smacked his lips together and calmed down slightly, breathing heavily. Iori was shaking his head and trying to ignore the whole ordeal until...

"Woah, now _that_'s what I call 'spicy'!" the digimon exclaimed as he scooped more paste with a California roll.

**Next:** Tentomon finds out about the war between humans and insects.


	11. Repellent

Scratch. Scratch. Type. Type. Swat. Swat. Curse. Curse. Repeat. Tentomon observed with interest while his partner attempted to type and repel insects attracted by the glow of the screen. The teen muttered death curse at the entire classis, grabbed his laptop and stalked back inside the shack where he began searching through his stuff. Tentomon buzzed after him.

"What are you looking for, Koushirou?" the digimon asked.

"Bug repellent," Koushirou hissed between his teeth.

Tentomon gasped and took a step back. Koushirou blinked, taking a few seconds to process the exchange.

"Sorry, sorry, it's got nothing to do with you!" he tried to explain. "It's the mosquitoes!" he swatted at another as he spoke. "At least we didn't have to deal with _that_ back in the Digital World."

Koushirou returned to searching desperately through his bag, eventually upturning it and spreading the contents across the floor. Tentomon cocked his head.

"What's so problematic with them?"

"They bite, and they suck blood and it itches like hell."

"So they're like mini-Vamdemon?"

"Yeah, minus the drive to take over the world, " Koushirou chuckled.

He dropped back on the edge of the bed in desperation. There was no trace of the repellent spray. He looked up suspiciously at his partner.

"Tentomon, would you happen to know what actually _happened_ to the repellent," he asked.

"Not after we left," Tentomon said, evading his partner's look.

"But that doesn't mean 'no', does it?" Koushirou insisted.

"What did you expect me to do?" Tentomon burst out. "I thought your parents wanted to get rid of me or something!"

"What happened?" the boy asked calmly.

"I... Kinda dropped it in the trash can."

"Kinda..." Koushirou trailed off.

He raised a hand to crush a mosquito on his forehead. It was going to be a long week.

**Next:** Takeru and Patamon are out to get a movie. Now that should be simple, right? ...right?


	12. Movie ratings

Patamon shuffled through the DVD boxes, throwing them aside as he had seen them all dozens of times already.

"So, found something?" Takeru finally asked from the couch.

"No. Just the same old stuff over and over again," Patamon complained. "Can we go out and get something new?"

Takeru shrugged. It didn't make much of a difference. in the end. They went out and walked to the nearest DVD vending machines, peering at the titles through glass windows.

"Hey this sounds funny!" Patamon called to his partner, a couple machines away.

"What's it?" Takeru asked, walking up to him.

"_Lan-Lan and the Big Boys_," Patamon announced.

Nearby, an old lady gasped loudly and hurried herself out of sigh. Takeru's blood flowed to his face as he came up to the machine. A porn vending machine. On the DVD cover was a girl in a very skimpy outfit shaking around something Takeru felt more comfortable not knowing what it was.

"We can't buy that! It's not for children!" the boy protested.

"But doesn't Koushirou always say you haven't been children for a long time?" the digimon commented.

"Besides, that is not proper clothing..." Takeru tried to argue.

Fatal mistake. Patamon gave the fictional girl an appraising glance.

"That doesn't look too different from Angewomon's outfit. And you always say that she..." he quoted without noticing his partner's discomfort.

Takeru wanted to die right then and there.

**Note:**Aaaaaaaand... that's it people, the long awaited conclusion to "The Real Thing"! Hope you had fun with it, 'cause I sure had!


End file.
